holiday project

Posts: 2
Species: Husky

scipioaustra, Mon Jul 18, 2011 8:56 pm

During the last part of these school holidays(going back tommoz :wcry: ) I write this story as a holiday project. Any way I'll probably be writing more, for practice.
also, I did do a bit of an edit, but if there are things that need to be fixed just tell me.
suggestions and criticism are welcome
anyway, enjoy :wgrin:

A squad Chapter 1

Sprinting along the cold floor he knew it was hopeless, he had been seen by 3 guards and everyone knew there were no tigers in west earth. All he could do now was get to the rendezvous point and meet up with the rest of A squad as soon as possible. Finally arriving at the exit, he burst out, panting into the field of tall grass, the perfect place for a F.R.S centre, remote where no one could find it. Heading for the dense part of the forest next to the field, which was the planned meeting point, we looked back at the small grey square that was the entrance, to find nobody following him. Slowing to a jog the low buzz of his earpiece was replaced by a familiar female voice. "Evans, we have the documents and we're on our way." 'Good.' he thought to himself 'at least the mission was a success.' Reaching the meeting point he sat down against a tree, trying to catch his breath.
It wasn't long before he saw the 3 other members of his team coming from across the field like him dressed in the standard FRS uniform, which looked like an all grey school uniform. On the left was Jason Pyrrhus, a red dragon who's scales had been dulled so no one would see them shine when hiding. On the left was Des Watkins the husky with all the technology you could think of. He could hack a computer in seconds and have the whole hard drive one of his USBs in minutes. And in the centre was Kay Bass the Arctic Fox clutching the documents in her paw. She was amazing at decoding information, which was very useful when intercepting messages. These four made up A squad, SSU's best agents that did the hardest missions available. The three slowed to a stop as they reach him. "Here are the documents, Evans"
"I'm sorry guys, some guards saw me and I had to bail, they'll probably be more wary next time" he apologized as he took the folder from Kay. A smile played across Jason's face. "Where they the guards in sector five?"
"Well don't worry, I took Care of them" Evans chuckled; he should have been surprised, after all Jason was the best assassin in east earth. "I'll just go phone HQ to tell them it was a success" said Evans walking away getting his phone out and calling HQ. The phone was answer immediately and the security recording started to play
"Hello this is SSU carpets how can we help you?"
He quickly punched the code in to send him to the real phone line. "Hello this is Debra of the SSU mission records department, please identify yourself and your squad."
"This is Evans Prollan from A squad reporting on mission 313"
"Hold on a moment please while I get the data" the formal voice stopped for a second, there were a few clicks and then she started talking again "Ok so you infiltrated the FRS station in sector S in west earth right?”
“Give me the information”
“The mission was successful with three assassinations and awaiting orders”
“Good. You have to go to Sector S back in east earth to get a technology upgrade”
“We’ll head there now” Evans said hanging up the phone and going over to the others. “We have to go to sector S to get technology upgrades” He said watching as the faces of his friends turn from tired to ecstatic. He knew why they were so happy, sector S was in the biggest city in all of east earth, being home to some of the best shops in the world. Even though it meant they would have to get a boat, which only he liked the idea of it would be all worthwhile in the end.
After planning their path they got up and started walking deeper into the Forrest heading south which would get them to the coast the fastest, even though it meant an extra three days of sailing.
After three hours of trekking they started to see the coast on the horizon. The four agreed to make camp for the night, remaining in the forest where they would be less likely to be spotted.
They ate dinner in silence, all thinking about what they would do in sector S. Jason's mind wondered to the markets, where he knew he could get a new knife to replace his old one, which had become dull. Des begun to think about the store hidden away in an alleyway he had found there last time, which sold some of the best hacking hardware available. Kay had her stay completely planned out. She would visit as many of the bountiful dress parlours she could and go out to restaurants as much as possible; being sick of the prepared meals they got with their ration packs. Evans, not only being the leader of A Squad but the medic as well, was interested in the public parks, which were home to vast quantities of rare medicinal herbs.
After eating dinner they all set up there sleeping bags and drifted off to sleep.
As soon as they got up they got up the next morning he phoned HQ to tell them they would need to have the boat there by midday. After packing up the camp and naturalizing the area they headed off. They eventually came out of the forest and onto the beach, which spanned for miles along the coast. This section was infamous for its many dangerous rips, so no one ever came. While they waited Des who was the most creative of the group made some sand sculptures and Jason breathed flames to turn it into glass.
When the boat arrived they all unwillingly clambered in and set of for east earth thinking about the sea sickness that would be arriving in less than an hour.
On bored the boat He started eating his first fresh dinner in weeks and looked around at his friends hardly believing that he had already done 140 Missions with them. He had been upgraded to A squad after completing his one hundredth successful mission in a row no mean feat by any means. Looking back he felt it wasn't too long ago that he joined the SSU or more formally known as the Secret Service union. This organization was east earths main spy unit, gathering intelligence from west earth. West earth and east earth were the two major factions out of the 5 currently in existence. There was Antarctica, which relied on the neutral faction to get its food, as no food would grow in that could a climate, even though there were seeds genetically modified to grow in ice. There was Central earth which was the continent made up of the Middle East, Africa and the surrounding islands. North earth was the countries in Europe and those around Canada and Greenland excluding what was the USA which was part of west earth which held all of South America as well as the bottom half of North America. And finally there was their own home, East earth, probably biggest of all the factions. West earth and East earth had been at war for a couple of years now. It was really a stupid war, fighting over some islands that lied in between the countries, but the leaders of the countries saw the great masses of resources that could be taken from these islands and although missiles had become extremely effective, only destroying living matter and leaving structures and most of the surrounding environment intact, they had become useless because of the anti-missile force fields set up around every area with population. The force fields used magnets to set off the missiles computer systems, sending it flying into space or blowing up in the middle of the sky where they would be harmless. The downside to this was that unpopulated areas, such as in the middle of the sea on a boat, became a target, which was why his friends were getting scared. He wasn't too worried though because in all his boat trips he had never been attacked. Any way he thought to himself we'll be on land soon.
On the morning of the 7th day Evans came up onto the foggy deck and finding no one else there to talk to went over to the bow of the ship. Looking over the vast mass of calm sea water, he could just make out the shape of land through the light fog. He decided to wait until the others had gotten up on their own accord to tell them about his discovery.
About half an hour later Des and Jason climbed up onto the deck and looking through the mist they saw Evans leaning over the bow.
“What’re you looking at?” asked Jason
“Can’t you see? There’s land probably around 60km away” Evans said. Walking over to join Evan’s at the bow Des and Jason soon spotted the grey mass of land that was barely distinguishable through the fog. “How long do you recon it will take to get there?” Des asked.
“Well first we’ll have to confirm that it really is the coast of sector S, otherwise we may be sailing into enemy territory" Evans said cautiously. He knew it would be a disaster if the enemy coast guard saw them but for now they were safe under the blanket of fog. The ship they were on was relatively small compared to other ships, having only six levels and being 40m long. It was also very old, lacking in many electronic devices that radars could pick up 100km away.
Just as hunger slowly started to creep into the trios stomachs, the captain, an otter, came out of his Cavern. "Mornin' you three, d'you get any sleep last night?" he asked in a rough voice. He was answered with mumbles of "well... um... yea I guess" and "sort of..." The captain laughed hardily "It does take ye land lovers awhile to get used to the sea, anyway is there a reason why your still up here, I'd expect you to be downstairs in the common room keepin' warm"
"Well it's just that we spotted land a while ago and we were just waiting for you, to confirm the location" Evans explained to the captain.
The captain turned around and went back into his cavern and got his G.P.S locator. It was one of the few electronic devices on the ship. They always had to coat the devices in a special film which absorbed the waves sent out by the radar. Unfortunately the film was very expensive so very few electronics could be taken along. All of Evans and his friends’ devices got put in a bag coated with the film. After a minute the captain looked up and declared "That my friends, is the harbour of sector R in EE, which means we'll be at our destination by mid-afternoon.”
“When can we start sailing?” Evans asked voicing the question that they all wanted to know.
“Just as soon as we get enough of those slackers awake for a skeleton crew” the captain replied. Just as he finished talking there was a loud thud from bellow the deck. “That’d be Tyler” the captain explained, “He falls out of bed most mornings, but that’ll wake the rest of them up”. He was right, for a few seconds later they could hear grumbling as the others were woken up. After the crew, which was mostly otters and beavers, as they felt most as home on boats, had gotten up and had something to eat the captain plotted the course and they set off for home.
They had to land in a ship yard around 10km away from sector S because it was built further inland to protect from navel attacks. By the time they had gotten the boat in, it was 1:10 which meant there would be 20 minutes until the next bus arrived to take them to the city. They used the time to get their things all packed up and by the time they had finished taking everything out onto the dirt road, the bus had arrived and was ready to take them back. The driver of the old bus drove quickly so, within ten minutes they had arrived at the city. Everyone was very excited but at the same tired from their trip but they were all just happy to be back in their territory were they wouldn’t constantly have to hide.

User avatar
Posts: 1
Species: Chameleon

Synthenoid, Mon Jul 25, 2011 11:35 pm

At first glance this looks to be part of a larger story. The time limit is also evident as it looks rather rushed.

The most prominant example of this is in the paragraphs. Some paragraphs run for only a sentence or two and really scream to be fleshed out with some form of vivid description of the events happening and/or character's reactions. In other places there is an impressive wall of text, which is rather daunting to simply look at, that seems to run on for a good third of the story.

Ask for further opinions on this though, as paragraphing is geneally accepted as a personal thing. I prefer spaces between mine, just to cut down on the subliminal work people imagine themselves doing. If I remember right this is called the British method.

Other's prefer the American method, possibly called something else, I don't remember things well. Which looks to be the style you use, where paragraphs are only seperated by a tap of the tab key, giving a little visual signal as to where a paragraph ends and begins, but this again leaves a wall like resemblance and, again, can be rather intimidating.

Also, detail! Spend a paragraph or two dedicated to detailing the surroundings. People have a very visual mind. Describe the character's surroundings and even appearance as if it were in a movie. Go into enough detail about character's so that you have a decent mental image of what they look like, just from what you have written.

A personal tip to make the story run smoother is to dedicate a paragraph for each character with an action. Speeking is included in this, as speaking is an action, and keeping all the actions and voices of a character in a single space is much easier to read.

A good source of tips and tricks for writers can be found here This is where I generally go if I'm loking for some way to improve the way a story reads.

The story itself doesn't really stand out. If I had to place it, I would say it's the pacing. It starts out at the end of an action scene, then sort of leaves you hanging as it fades out. It's very evident this is a transition period, where the story is about to launch into either a character building scene, an action scene or an amalgem of both.

Don't hate me for this, I'm just trying to give you the criticism you want. :?
I like to write myself, so I hope you find this as something constructive rather than just a big ball of flame.

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