un funnished Story

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snappyfox
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un funnished Story

Postby snappyfox » Sat Nov 02, 2013 5:53 pm

ok this is a story i started writing at the beginning of the year but i stopped half way through chapter one because my grammar sucks as well as my vocabulary so here it is
It was already two minutes past nine in the morning and clu was still in bed
with his head buried in his pillow his room is smaller than an average master
bed room with a small window barely letting any light in the wall's are
decorated with poster and awards next to clu's bed was a small side bench
holding an alarm and next to it is a photo in a gold frame in the photo is a
small boy wearing a fishing hat and holding a small Grey fish in his hand next
to
him is a grown man. on the corner of the bench is a glock eighteen
with the mag removed and placed to the side. the room's silence is broken by a
loud beeping noise clu begins to role his head towards the sound his eyes
droopy he lays on his bed half asleep waiting for the vision in his eyes to
clear clu begins to raise one arm into the air a soon as it reached it's
maximum height he rolled his hand into a fist and swung it down onto the alarm
the crunching noise of the alarm breaking echoed through the room as he rolled
out of bed another noise began to echo clu slowly raised his body and stood up
as straight as he could "ha i wonder who that could be"

he looked at the shattered alarm looking at the cracked screen he could barely
tell the time. He turned towards the the door and began to walk at a slow pace
as he got closer to the door he raised his arm ready to turn the handle as he
gripped the handle of the door all he can here is the sound of his message
machine he could here a voice of a man coming from the machine he could barely
here it he began to turn the handle when the message finished the door opened
slowly with a screeching noise. Clu walked into the next room which was smaller
than the bed room the walls where cracked and the floor was just as bad he
walked to the fridge while looking at the clock that was hung above the sink
the
time read nine thirty. He wrapped his hand around the fridges handle and swung
the
door open all that was inside was a half drunk bottle of coke and meat wrapped
in clingfilm. Clu slowly reached for the bottle of coke it was warm soon soon
it was obvious that the fridge had broken some time through the night clu let
out a sigh. he closed the fridge and reached into his pocket and pulled out a
sheet of paper which was tucked in side the
label read things to bye. he lowered his arm sheet in hand and began looking
around for a pen
he turned to the answering machine and remembered that he had not listened to
the
message he walked to the front of the machine and hit play an irritating
voice started to play telling clu that he had a new message while listening clu
began his search for a pen.

The message was from one of clu's work mates "clu just in case you have
forgotten what to day is"clu stood up straight listening carefully to the
message
and
looked at the machine as the message finished his face
began to lose color because he had forgotten that today was the day of his new
job assignment.
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snappyfox
King of the Foxes
King of the Foxes
Posts: 265
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 10:45 am
Species: angel fox dragon hybrid
Location: QLD

un funnished Story

Postby snappyfox » Sat Nov 02, 2013 5:58 pm

there is more but i can't post it
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Wererstritchy
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Postby Wererstritchy » Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:27 pm

Did you want to put it up on somewhere like Google docs, and leave a link for people to read the story?


I do that, instead of downloading a file, or uploading it to someone, just give them a link to go and read stuff. Lots of other places do it too, but I am only used to Google docs for sharing stories like that.





Also, on the story itself, I took the liberty of re-typing it and seeing what was going on as I was typing it. I can't make too much of an accurate guess based on the fact that I'm only seeing a small portion of it, but here I go.



With descriptions, try to add more relativeness to the descriptions. Right now it's "This is Clu, this is his bedroom, this is stuff on his bedroom. This is what happens, this is where he goes, this is what he's doing.'



It takes a bit of practice, yes, but once you get the hang of it, you can lead readers on from one thing to another without it sounding repetitive and dull. Stories can tend to be long, we don't want that happening.



E.g.



It was already two minutes past nine in the morning and clu was still in bed

with his head buried in his pillow his room is smaller than an average masterbed room with a small window barely letting any light in the wall's aredecorated with poster and awards next to clu's bed was a small side benchholding an alarm and next to it is a photo in a gold frame in the photo is asmall boy wearing a fishing hat and holding a small Grey fish in his hand nexttohim is a grown man. on the corner of the bench is a glock eighteenwith the mag removed and placed to the side.



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Wererstritchy
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un funnished Story

Postby Wererstritchy » Sat Nov 02, 2013 7:31 pm

This is my recreation




It was already two minutes past nine in the morning. Despite this, Clu was still in bed, his head buried in his pillow. The room he was in was smaller than the average master bedroom. It only had a small window, barely letting in any light. As if to compensate, the walls are decorated with posters and awards. For example, next to Clu's bed was a small side bench, holding an alarm, and next to it, a photo in a golden frame. The photo shows a small boy, wearing a fishing hat, and holding a grey fish in his hand, while next to him, a grown man stands behind him looking (proud/uncaring). A little further, on the corner of the bench, is a glock 18, a personal favourite of Clu's. The magazine had been removed and placed to the side.



What I did is keep the original paragraph and added words that helped lead from one thing to the next. In something like a description, you'd want something that sort of sweeps from one thing to another, while taking the opportunity to give a little tidbit on WHY it's important. Why would he keep a gold frame? Because it's obviously worth so much that he could afford to do that to that picture. Why did he have that particular gun? Because it was something he was familiar with, or maintained well enough, or because it brought him luck or something. You don't always have to give out the reason why he has it, but it has to have something to say that it is important.




I've even changed the way some of the sentences are structured, so that the reader gets changes of pace. To improve the pace the best, you will need to read it out, find out when you take a stop to breathe, pause, or do something to emphasise the sentence. When that happens, think about punctuation. Think about what you are trying to say, and how punctuation will help someone know when to stop and take a breath.



I hope this helps!
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snappyfox
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un funnished Story

Postby snappyfox » Sat Nov 02, 2013 9:02 pm

thanks for your thoughts on my story I have always been better a picturing things than writing i hope to start working on it again soon. also how do i use Google docs.
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Wererstritchy
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Postby Wererstritchy » Sun Nov 03, 2013 9:39 am

You first have to have a google account, simply go to drive.google.com and it will ask for Google account information, or you can sign up for an account.

When you're in, you can upload documents by clicking the button with the arrow pointing up (on the top left) or you can start your own by clicking the create button and selecting 'document'.


to share, when you're in the document, you have to click the share button on the top right. Then change permissions to either 'anyone with a link' (recommended) or 'public' which I don't recommend.


click 'save', then you'll be back to the permissions page. That's when you get the 'link to share'. It should be highlighted already, if it isn't highlight the link, right-click and select 'copy', then paste to wherever you want people to see the document.
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snappyfox
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un funnished Story

Postby snappyfox » Sun Nov 03, 2013 7:17 pm

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B-j2R- ... haringthis is all the stuff i have written if you want to please comment on it
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Wererstritchy
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un funnished Story

Postby Wererstritchy » Mon Nov 04, 2013 1:57 pm

Just so you know, we do not have permission to put comments on the document itself, but we can still comment on here.
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Sebastian
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un funnished Story

Postby Sebastian » Tue Nov 05, 2013 8:36 pm

Hi Snappyfox!


I think you definitely have the talent to persue writing as a hobby. You have the descriptive flair that creates a mental image of the scene as the reader is moving from each sentence to the next. Your initial sentence sets the tone very well indeed, and the last sentence leaves the readers wanting to know what is giong to happen next.


Quesiton: Is Clu human or a furry character?
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snappyfox
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un funnished Story

Postby snappyfox » Fri Nov 08, 2013 3:07 pm

Clu starts out fully human but in a strange turn of events he becomes part Snow wolf

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